Gillard the Goose

School holidays are always full of action, but this one is especially busy due to settling into our suburban barnyard our newly acquired goose, Gillard.

One Sunday night dinner a few weeks ago the family was gathered to have a farewell dinner for our Grandma’s carer who is sadly leaving us and going back home to NZ.  My sister-in law, who also secretly would love to be a farm girl, said that her heart was breaking because my brother was making her send away Gillard because she was too noisy.  But it wasn’t quite that simple.  As the story unfolded so did the level of dysfunction with Honky Tonk, the gander, mating with the ducks and Gillard finding her soul mate in my brother.  She follows him around everywhere, grooms him and honks lovingly and loudly whenever she glimpses him (gives a new spin to the bumper sticker “Honk if you’re horny!”). 

It has gotten so bad that on the mornings that my brother has to take early flights to do weekly interstate work he has to skulk around his own house in the dark like a thief so that she can’t see or hear him or she wakes the whole district at 4.30am.  She protests loudly that he is about to leave her for three days and waddles around aimlessly until his joyful return.  The last straw was when he thought he could get away with a quiet and quick smoke before leaving for the airport but Gillard caught a whiff of his tobacco smoke and off she went!

So my brother decided she had to go – I think from a Freudian perspective it is quite telling – he probably would like to send off all the noisy and nagging females in his life - wife, sister and mother included, but just can’t arrange it so conveniently!

The dilemma is that Gillard is booked in to the Exhibition in August and although they have found a property she can go away to (like some disgraced teenager to a home for wayward girls), my sister-in-law wants to keep her until the EKKA.  So the family “gaggle” all noisily nagged my husband to let us have her for at least 6 weeks.

And if you think that is where it peacefully ends, think again!

Gillard is housed with our six chooks.  Given she wandered freely at my brother’s place, a long term stay is dependent on her having access to the wider yard.  This means sharing with our dog.  But the friendship has started off a big rocky based on suspicion, jealousy and confusion.  The goose warily wanders around while the dog circles widely never taking her predatory eyes off her.  It is a nerve racking standoff with  me saying CHILL... BE COOL.....It’s Gonna be ALLLL right.... We’re gonna be Cool.....sounding a bit like Samuel  L Jackson in the famous diner shootout scene in Pulp Fiction.

It all came to a climax when after trying to reward the dog by giving her treats from my pocket I just ended up enticing her  closer to me and the Goose refused to leave my side and when I offered the dog  a doggie biscuit, Gillard thought it was for her and they both swooped at the same time.  The goose then grabbed a chunk of skin and fur from between the dog’s ears, the dog yelped and backed off reluctantly with a glimmer in her pointed gaze that said “you just wait until next time.....”.  The war is now on. The chooks have also stopped laying in protest at having some big white wench stomping around on their turf and paddling in their pond (a clamshell).

And the honking problem is just beginning.  Geese are very good guard dogs and our street is busier than where she came from so it is not unusual for her to defend her property from anyone wondering down the street at night. She is also very social and wants to be with people all the time, so honks when she hears us up and about – especially early in the morning if you need to do a pee!

So in the interest of keeping on good terms with our neighbours I have asked all in the immediate vicinity if she is making too much noise and to let me know at any stage if they feel that they are being disrupted.  ALL have replied that they think it is great with smirks on their face (I’m sure they think we’re mad).  It was  confirmed  when one bloke strolled down the road to say hello for the first time in the 12 years and said that he and his wife were lying in bed cracking up laughing the other morning as they tried to identify the sound and where it was coming from.  They figured it must be a goose and the sound was coming from “the menagerie”.  He said that is their affectionate nickname for us due to the 6 chickens, dingo looking dog and madly growing pumpkin vine weaving in and out of the fence with pumpkins hanging off it on the street.  One side of our house is perfectly mowed and manicured and the other is a dirt patch with clucking, scratching and flapping coming from it.  I thought that it was a great metaphor for my psyche and life!

Hey, I think it is good for neighbourly relations – everyone likes some novelty and someone to gossip about and our house is an excursion opportunity and  tourist stop – all the parents walking kids home, oldies taking a stroll and people walking dogs actually cross the road and hang out around the fence amazed. I am providing a community service.  And in only one week Gillard has become a bit of a legend and is happily chatting with all her audiences.

My husband who is usually very quiet has expressed that he is not impressed and it WILL be only for six weeks.  Although he is normally not image conscious he said that if I keep up my barnyard antics that we’ll get a reputation as the Cannon Hillbillies and our daughter will end up in the future on “A Farmer Wants a Wife”.  He also added he’d leave me if I ever bought home a cat! We’ll see who wins the war ......