The Female Body After Children

I have just had the rudest shock I’ve had in a long time...... the last time I did a 90’s style aerobic workout was in the 90’s.  You know the type – where you do a Richard Simmons/Aerobics Oz Style/Denise Austin type coordinated jogging moves on the spot with hands and feet going in all directions.  But everything is “newer and better” so I had no idea what I got myself into.....

Given it is the new millennium and many industries are heading towards corporate monopolies, there is limited “freestyle” aerobics anymore where you do something different each week from the instructor’s imagination.  NO, we now have the dominating force in the fitness world which is Les Mills classes. Too bad if you don’t like doing systemised workouts because most gyms have invested in Les Mills because you can’t get instructors anymore that aren’t indoctrinated into the Les Mills workout theology and  marketing force .  So the only choice of class to get my cardio up is Les Mills Body Attack.  And the name is no exaggeration.  It was nonstop frenetic epileptic type movements to hard core techno music.

The thing is, since I last did one of these classes in the 90’s (and I’m sure they weren’t this full on) a lot has changed – namely the level of gravity factor my body now has.  10.5.

So I found myself in this class surrounded by Gen Y’s  in the gear I wear to gym which doesn’t account for jiggle and bounce factor.  Half way through the warm up one boob started to descend down and to the left and the other one was trying to escape out the top and my leggings were riding up around my ribs. I actually think I had a “camel toe”!   I was literally falling apart in front of the mirror but was not game to stop otherwise I will be run over by the stampede!

Nothing is ruder than finding out all of a sudden exactly how many parts move on your body that you didn’t even know could move.  The other curious thing that happens after you have kids is that with all the belly and boob action, your butt feels like it’s missing out and thinks it is a competition and starts to grow to prove itself!

Maybe other mothers are aware of their jiggle factor gradually over time because they kick a football around with the kids or jump on the trampoline.  But I honestly did not know because I have only for the first time in seven years got my strength and fitness up enough to start to do normal activities since having children.  I have always had a dodgy back due to an extra half vertebra in my lower spine, but childbirth caused havoc.   I had to do a rehab type program with a physio over the last 7 years to stabilise spine and hip problems after and during my pregnancies.  Even walking up steps was a challenge.  Everything I did had a measured and precise approach with core stability in mind and Pilates was the only exercise I was allowed to do. I certainly had no opportunity to jump and jiggle around.  It has been a slow and gradual climb to get back up to normal movement. 

So my sense of achievement that I can finally start to do normal things again, including cardio exercise, has been completely marred by this rude reality check of how much my body has aged while I’ve been getting back normal mobility.  And the sad thing is that regardless of how fit I get, my skin is never going to shrink!  I mean let’s face it girls, there are some freaks out there that can shrink back but for many of us no matter how well we eat, exercise or smear magical creams on, our body looks like someone else has lived there.  A bit like a house that has had squatters.  And that’s because someone else HAS lived there!  Falling pregnant and giving birth is in fact a parasitic relationship – we actually grow another human being in our own body using all of our own resources – yes albeit amazing but quite taxing on your body.

So given I have no regrets about my children and am learning to love myself I will just have to get used to becoming comfortable with my new reality.  So I am now prepared for the next class – I dug out a pair of leggings that are size 10 so the tightness should act as a containment device and I bought a workout top from Bras n Things that straps me in like the bandage job that Barbara Streisand wore in Yentl while posing as a young Jewish boy. Hopefully I won’t expire from lack of oxygen. 

I’m very grateful given how many Gen Ys that attend this class that so far no one has videotaped their workout or else I could end up as the new viral laughing stock on You Tube.