At Sisterhood, my weekly Christian Women’s group, our Pastor gave a really down to earth talk about marriage and parenting and as I sat and listened I started to reflect on the last 11 years of my married life. I concluded that for the most part and despite how opposite we are, we have somehow instinctually “jagged it”!
I also remembered a conversation I had one night with my dearest male friend when we were discussing whether opposites in relationships are ultimately sustainable and what the flow- on effects are in old age. I pointed out that if I married someone like myself, it would have been either homicidal or suicidal – I’d kill him because he’d drive me nuts or self combust and do myself in.
My husband is the ABSOLUTE OPPOSITE of me – I never shut up and he hardly ever speaks. In fact, eleven years later some of my friends are finally starting to realise that his silence and withdrawal to “leave me to it”, is not disapproval or rejection. I married him because simply put, I get more air time and can more than adequately speak for both of us!
He is reliable, stable, consistent, loyal, selfless, egalitarian, masculine and blokey, yet patient and sensitive. I am many of those things but a more volatile, passionate, colourful and dramatic version!
He likes the simple things in life. I can make anything almost unbearably complex through analysing the life out of anything. Freud would be impressed.
The most important thing is that he is comfortable with himself and knows who he is without having to define it. I am constantly changing, redefining, refining, rewriting and in personality disarray. It is because he is so comfortable in his own skin that I can afford to constantly thrash around the rock that he is.
The converse is that his existence would be very boring if I didn’t come on the scene! Like he said in or wedding speech “Darling, now that I’m permanently in your firing line, there is no other place I would rather be”. He hasn’t really said much since and needed three of my Grandma’s serepax to get through the level of extroversion required to perform on a wedding day, with 120 of mostly my family and friends. On our first anniversary he smirked at me and pointed out that technically he was on drugs when we married and has a legal “out”. But I think the spa and champagne was a stronger argument!
It is like my mother said the week before I was married “It is unreasonable to expect any partner to fulfil all of your needs – you need to out- source some things because we can’t be all things to one person. Yes we need to “cleave to or partner “in the Biblical sense, but God’s design does not mean being co-dependent, insecure and possessive. Her wisdom is so right. I believe my marriage is strong because my husband is happy for me to supplement the nutrients in my personality that he can’t or isn’t interested in offering. I’m happy for his to supplement sport!
The ultimate example is how comfortable my hubby is with the male friendships I have, never being threatened or possessive. My friend is always slightly in awe at how comfortable he is that we discuss intimate details of every aspect of our lives (just like women do) and my husband objectively sees it in exactly the same light he would if it was a female friend, without seeing his gender as a threat or competition. Our relationship is based on absolute trust. He intuitively knows he has nothing to worry about. I said to my friend that he can stop being in awe, that really my husband is just out-sourcing back – it isn’t really active duty. My friend actually supplies the labour of disaster relief and recovery and my husband gets to switch off , watch TV and recharge so he can face another tremulous storm the next day!
In conclusion I really feel very blessed and it was a lovely reminder that we are on-track to drive each other nuts well into or old age. Until death do us part.....
