Testimony
When Anomi first asked me to assist to organise this event, I spent a lot of time thinking about what theme would be common to a lot of Women, drawing mainly from the things I battle with. And then Anomi asked me to share my story about how I became a Christian and I realised much of my journey to date has been battling with this exact issue – how not to burn out by learning to rely on God.
It then occurred to me that credibility might be an issue since this topic is my greatest challenge. I battle with exhaustion, I’ve burnt out and I also battle with depression. But as my favourite preacher Joyce Meyer reminds us when we beat ourselves up “I’m not where I need to be, but I’m sure not where I was!”
A good Christian friend of mine also reminded me, that spiritually speaking, it is the things we battle with and are tested on, that are the very things that we are supposed to use to help others. That’s why He allows some experiences, although painful, because the testing and growth process refines us – JUST LIKE PRECIOUS METALS - It is only thorough molten fire that a metal can be liquefied and then poured into a shape for use.
So, please don’t think I’m a hypocrite and by no means am I an expert, but I do believe my experience parallels to the same battle many other Women have and any insights and strength we can gain from each other assists us in or own journey. That’s what we women do – get together for a heart to heart over some serious calorie intake in the hope that we can support each other.
So, let me share my story with you….. in a previous life (AKA before kids!) I was the Marketing Manager for a male dominated State Government Department. I was recently married and exhausting myself through my own strength to get to the next level in position and pay. This had been my career life story – in fact ambition and success in one form or another was my whole life story.
Everything I set as a goal (no matter how unachievable or at what cost – I achieved. I lost 20kg as a teenager, got on the school academic honours list at school, went on to tertiary study, registered my own business at 18 and became a marketing and QA manager by the age of 20.
According to the world I was a success, and I thought so too, until I could not get to that next level and started to burn out physically and psychologically. In fact, I completely lost it one day and started to cry and couldn’t stop. I had to take 3 months leave without pay and three sessions a week with psychologists and a psychiatrist in both group and single therapy just to get back to work.
This process revealed some interesting personality traits – need for approval, need for achievement, inability to deal with ambiguity, and perfectionism. I had completely defined myself by what I could achieve and when I couldn’t achieve anymore, I had nothing left. Through psychiatric help I discovered that I had constructed these harsh success driven guidelines in my life to mask the pain from childhood and measured my self respect and self image based on them. My life was one big KPI - No room for error, back against the wall.
The therapy was a great help, but I still had to manage my personality and this in itself is tiring especially when yo have a strong personality! There had to be another way.
After getting back to work on limited duties, I started to look for the answers from a spiritual perspective. I read a lot of self help books, considered other faiths and then decided I would go back to my grass roots. I had gone to a Catholic and then Lutheran school and had faith in God while at school. But it suited me to put that faith aside to focus on all the worldly things once I left school.
I contacted a lady I had worked with while I was a marketing manager and I knew she was a very devout Christian and I asked her if we could catch up. Through my friend I re-ignited my faith and decided to find a good church that I felt at home in. I decided not to go back to the Church that my Mum had become a born again Christian in while I was at school because in those days it was really full on and wanted something a bit more low key. So I tried an Anglican Church, Catholic Church and Baptist Church and by absolute “coincidence” I went to a Church that was around the same vicinity as my Mum’s old Church but it had a different name. It wasn’t until the middle of the service when I felt that the penny had dropped and all the fragmented pieces were coming together that I realised it was the same church - pretty much the same place we used to sit. God had drawn me back home.
About 6 months on this Christian path and after returning to work, I felt myself going down the same path – this time I was in an asbestos management role, feeling that I could make no difference no matter how hard I worked and my stress levels were increasing. We had been trying to conceive for 9 months and all fertility tests were showing everything was fine.
It was one Sunday at church when I heard a woman by the name of Deanna Thomas speak – she had been a captive of the Taliban during the Afghanistan war. Her talk was about trusting God to take care of you and that nothing in the flesh could really save her yet she came out miraculously unharmed. She felt God tell her to stay even though capture was inevitable and that He would deliver her from her circumstances.
During this service I felt deep in my soul God say to me “Trust me and leave your career”. This in effect was asking me to let go of my control, cut off my income stream which was very much tied up with funding a child and completely wing it trusting that he would handle everything. So I did.
I went in and spoke with my General Manager on the Monday, by the Friday I had it all in writing and the following Wednesday I conceived. (My ovaries were obviously saying “No way Lady, it aint’ going to happen in this stress hole! And making the decision relaxed me enough for them to drop their defence – I don’t know!)
Anyway, since I took that leap of faith, freelance marketing work just landed in my lap and has done ever since. I earn a great income, working from home most of the time and although stress can’t be completely removed, it is far less stressful than being unfulfilled and feeling like a mouse in a wheel running faster and faster without going anywhere!
God really showed me that His way is far better than mine and to seek Him first and He takes care of the rest.
Through my church and our fantastic Christian Women’s group that I go to every Thursday morning, as well as some therapy when I need it, I have managed to restore myself to the person God had planned all along for me to be. With my own will carefully managed and opening myself to His will I now have everything I was working so hard to achieve – I have a happy marriage, two lovely children, I work from home for clients I enjoy working with, and I’m managing my health and energy levels most days……………
I now define myself not by my ability to achieve but by how Jesus sees me. Daily, although a process because my will is still strong, Christ is teaching me how to slow down, relax, not be so hard on myself, heal my past hurts and finally start to get some balance. His Holy Spirit in me prompts me when things are getting out of balance before I burn out – he’s my inner navigator. When I stay in close relationship with Him he guides me and leads me instead of me having an uncompromising 5-10 year plan in place.
Don’t be sucked into believing all the wordly advice – self help, self reliance, self focus, independence, ….. I found out the hard way that there is nothing worse than being totally in charge of yourself and totally self reliant. You can usually sustain it for periods of time – even decades, but unless every element of your existence is under control and life doesn’t throw you any curb balls, it can’t last.
I believe God does not make any bad things happen to us – or the world at large in fact. Hard ships are created by our own free will – a free will God gave us because he didn’t want to create robots – He wants a real relationship with us, and for us to choose Him and to ask Him to be our guide in life. When we use our free will to do it ourselves and exclude Him, we live with the consequences of our own free will. God created everything in balance in the beginning. The human species has systematically thrown everything out of balance ever since and that is why we struggle in the world today that we have created. I don’t think we should blame God, but we can turn to Him to help us through this life and that is what He is crying out for us to do.
Finally, Despite who I was – all the worldly self reliance and success, it all lead to exhaustion and emptiness. The most fundamental thing I have learned is that it is through accepting my weakness that I finally could let it all go to find His strength. Letting go through our own weakness is intimidating because it goes against everything we are told, but that’s the deal. He can’t do his best work in us when we insist on being backseat drivers. After doing it my way for most of my life I have personally found that He is far better and kinder at managing my life than I was.
My advice to anyone struggling with life is to learn how to let go of your own will….., seek Him first……, trust Him……. and rest back knowing that He has far better things in store for you that you could ever create for yourself. It doesn’t happen overnight, and life is a journey, including tough times that refine us, but it is far better doing it with God than without Him and he can be trusted to work it all out for you.
And try not to do what I do every time I have PMT and go burko for three days – which was last week! Trusting God doesn’t mean trying to intellectually work Him out and analyse what He’s up to and what the meaning is behind everything. For God to guide us we don’t have to understand everything….. We NEVER will. Us trying to understand why God does things the way He does is like an ant trying to understand the internet! God has the big picture, He sees everything and everything is accounted for. Just because we don’t understand doesn’t mean we can’t trust him. Also, He does it in His time, not ours. And whilst that aggravates me a lot, since patience is another area I have to work on, that is just the way it is. The worrying while you are waiting is futile, so try to be peaceful and trust it will work out. If your heart is right, that is all you have to concentrate on.
Thank you for letting me share with you tonight and I hope I have offered some inspiration for your own relationship with God.
